Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby ...

What sick bastard decided that we need The Christmas Shoes? Is this a Christmas song, or some kind of twisted joke? What's the goal here ? To help increase this year's holiday suicide rate?

Say what you want about Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, but there's nothing really harmful about that little ditty. The guy that signed off on The Christmas Shoes, however, is a sociopathic madman that must be stopped before he strikes again.

I won't go into details because severe depression isn't really my bag, so here's the plot in a nutshell. A little boy wants to buy his dying mother a new pair of shoes. Why? So she can look pretty when she "meets Jesus". Wait, there's more. It seems that Mother's rendezvous with The Almighty is scheduled for - you guessed it - Christmas Eve. I'm pretty sure that Charles Manson wrote The Christmas Shoes as part of some psychopath rehab experiment gone horribly wrong.

Never heard it? You're lucky. This is nothing less than the most disturbing Christmas song in the history of the world. The Christmas Shoes should not be on the radio. It should be locked in a lab at the CDC, because it will literally suck the life out of any room within seconds of being unleashed. Al Queda has anthrax? Amateurs. We have The Christmas Shoes and we're not afraid to use it.

Christmas music is about rockin around the Christmas tree, mutant flying reindeer with glowing body parts, and hoping for snow. Some Christmas songs lift the spirit and remind us that giving is better than receiving. Its all good stuff. When I'm listening to Christmas music, I don't want to have to keep the Zoloft close at hand.

So, if you have any idea who is responsible for this crime against humanity, please come forward. I'm arranging a special Christmas party that involves torches and pitchforks and a battering ram at the door of some record company. Everyone is invited, but bring your own pitchfork. We dont have enough to go around.