A Treatise on the Nature of Poles and Harvey Wallbangers
A Long Island fire department that serves a population of about 20,000 people spent $41,000 on its annual dinner at a well-known Long Island catering establishment. You heard me right - forty one thousand dollars (and no sense). That means that every human being in that fire district - including infants - basically kicked in about two bucks each to throw that shindig.
A rough head count from the pictures posted on the department's web site shows three companies, each with roughly 35 members. Then there's EMS, which we can assume is likely somewhere in the range of 15-20 members. Lets toss in a couple of dozen administrative and honorary types, let everyone bring a date, and we arrive at a total of 350 people that might have been at the annual dinner.
Divide $41,000 by 350 people. You get roughly $117 per person. My sister is getting married in November. Her cost per person, including a full meal with dessert, a full cocktail hour, and an open bar, is about $85 per person. That's at a pretty nice place, too. $117 per person vs. $85 per person. All taxpayer dollars. You do the math. Next year I suggest that fire department call my sister and have her plan the party.
Wait. I forgot something. Newsday has written about proposed state legistlation that would limit the ability of a fire district to spend taxpayer dollars on alcohol (booze, liquor, firewater - you get the idea). I know that if my Sister eliminates the open bar at her wedding and goes with unlimited beer, wine and soda instead, the tab drops down to about $65 per person.
Now we're cooking with gas! In five short paragraphs we've taken the cost of the annual fire department dinner from $117 per person to $65 per person. With almost no effort, we've managed to save the people of that particular fire district a whopping $18,200. Its a damn fire sale. 44% off all annual installation dinners!
That $18,200 savings puts just under a dollar back in the pockets of every soul - including infants - in the district. I know a dollar doesn't really get you anything these days, but since New York State law pretty much gives fire districts free run of the taxpayers' checkbooks, I think we'd all agree that having a cold beer instead of a Harvey Wallbanger, and kicking back a buck isn't much to ask.
What should the people of the fire district do with those 18,200 dollar bills? Gather in the center of town, pile them all up, and make a big-ass bonfire. So big, that there will be no choice but to call the fire department to put it out. With a little scheduling savvy, that bonfire might just happen to coincide with the department's annual dinner. That'd be a shame, wouldn't it?
I'd wager $117 that the following year the annual dinner would be burgers and dogs in the chief's back yard. Doesn't matter, though. Curiously, the department would spend $41,000 on a new fire pole. The new pole would be delivered to the department at a gathering of 350 people ...
at the bar ...
in the well-known Long Island catering establishment ...
on a Saturday night.
Grapefruit, gizzards and garbonzo beans
What's wrong with this picture? If you are so inclined, you can purchase a full season of Adam-12 on DVD right now. That's right, Adam-12 - the show best known for being slightly less obscure than that Randolph Mantooth tour de force - Emergency.
Why does this bother me so much? I'll tell you why. It bothers me because The Odd Couple is nowhere to be found. I know, its a travesty but we'll just have to find a way to struggle on as a species until someone comes along with the courage to right this horrible wrong. Are you listening, Paramount (the studio that has the show locked securely in its vaults)?
The Odd Couple of the early 70s was one of the top 5 shows ever produced in the history of television. Period. Some day I'll tell you the other 4 on the list.
For a while in the early to mid 80s, WPIX in New York ran Odd Couple re-runs no less than 4 times every day. It meant seeing the same episodes over and over in a short period of time, but it didn't matter. I'd watch them all anyway. They were THAT good.
Oscar: I have brown juice, or green juice.
Murray: What's the difference?
Oscar: Two weeks.
Felix (to Monty Hall on Lets Make A Deal): Keep the squid! Keep the squid!
Oscar: What are you, Jaques Cousteau?!
Oscar (to Murray, who is playing his ukelele and singing): Who are you, Murray? Nose Felicano?
Felix (to Oscar when the boys appeared on Password): I'm giving you such great clues!
Oscar: Great clues? If Charlie Chan had these clues he'd be running a laundry!
Just a few of the hundreds, if not thousands of amazing quotes from the show. Check out Jump The Shark and see how many people say that The Odd Couple never jumped, or did a reverse jump. That was more entertainment in 30 minutes than you can usually find in a whole day lately.
I know, I know - sitting around reciting sitcom lines is pretty hackey. Oh well. I don't really have any profound point to make here. This is just my way of letting the world know that I am an Odd Couple fan, and that I think it stinks that the show is not available on DVD yet. I guess while I'm at it, I should also thank Jack Klugman and Tony Randall and Gary Marshall and everyone else involved with The Odd Couple for all the laughs over the years.
For those of you that ASSUME that I'd quote the classic line from episode 51 ("The Pen is Mightier than the Pencil"), think again.
Ode to a Skyscraper
by Felix Unger
Born of the rubble that lies there
Nurtured through snow and through rain
By men whose only companions
Are derrick, and shovel, and crane.
Center for great institutions
Place where conglomerates grow
Yet home for the little cigar shop
With the candies all in a row.
Seven-seven-seven they will call you.
Towards heaven, heaven, heaven you will soar.
Only God can make a tree, I will grant you
But only man can make a 40th floor.
Looking for proof?
You'd be hard pressed to find someone to disagree. A human being is likely the most amazing arrangement of molecules ever devised. Quite the impressive bit of engineering we are. Atoms nestled comfortably in the hearts of stars get blown violently across the cosmos, only to reassemble after billions of years in the shape of Anson Williams. Well, maybe Potsie isn't the best example, but you get the idea. That we're here at all is damn amazing from a strictly mechanical point of view.
As awe-inspiring as this is, could it mean that each of us owes our existence to nothing more than a short-term lease on our particular set of molecules? When life ends, are we doomed to simply fade to black, dispersing our atoms back into the great cosmic recycling bin? Does a human lifetime boil down to an organic chemistry experiment that runs for about 80 years?
A bleak outlook? Sure is. This is real whats-the-point-of-all-of-this kind of shit.
Well, before you go writing goodbye letters and rifling through the medicine cabinet, I ask you to direct your attention to this picture of Carolina Hurricanes captain Rod Brind'Amour hoisting the Stanley Cup last night. Look at him - look at the euphoria. The man in the picture has just realized the dream of every kid to ever
pick up a hockey stick - a dream chased as a child, through his teenage years, and through a punishing 17 year professional career. The man in the picture has just paid off a lifetime of emotional debts to every coach, every teammate, every friend and family member that supported him and accompanied him on his long quest. They're all there with him, sharing in the absolute joy of the moment. This is the face of the last team standing after the bone-crushing, tooth-shattering, 20-stitches-to-the-forehead two month war that is the Stanley Cup playoffs.
Look again at the picture. You won't find a trace of money or contracts or endorsements or agents or big houses or fancy cars or any of the trappings of life as a professional athlete. Thats a picture of nothing but the release of pure, raw, powerful emotion. If you're a hockey fan, and maybe even if you're not, I dare you to look at that picture and not smile.
Its amazing. Its beautiful. The dreams, the goals, the drive to compete at the highest level, the will to win, the endurance, the sacrifice, its all there in living color. The most touching part is the very real connection between the man in the picture and anyone, near or far, living or dead, that ever imagined lifting The Cup over head at center ice. If you shared the moment in person, via television, or on the radio - you felt it. I know I did.
When we look at our picture of Rod Brind'Amour and that 35-pound pile of silver, are we looking at neurological ones and zeros? Are we seeing organic chemistry at its finest? Is this a picture of nothing more than a fortuitous arrangement of atoms that just happened to create a human being? Not a chance. Well, the physical stuff is most definitely there, but that's not all.
That's a picture of a soul. What you're looking at is photographic evidence of the gift bestowed upon us by whatever higher power put this whole crazy thing in motion. One day his physical incarnation will fail, but rest assured that the Universe has much more in store for Mr. Brind'Amour and for all of us. The proof is in the picture.
The proof is also all around us every day. If you pay close enough attention, you'll see it. Actually, you'll feel it.
Let me take this opportunity to thank the Universe for everything. Nice job.
